i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
