So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
