My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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