Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
