I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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