If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
