She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
