he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize