Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
