this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
