he was CRYING into my vagina
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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