When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
