Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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