I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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