for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
