i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
