Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
