Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize