I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
