I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
