i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
