At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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