i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
