Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
