I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
