Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
