On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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