just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
