just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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