I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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