Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
