i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Randomize
