I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
