Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
