And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
