Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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