So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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