Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize