She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
