He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
