Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Randomize
