I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
