dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
