please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
my liver is dry heaving
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize