I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My life is pants optional.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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