is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
