i was born a porn star she said
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
