I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Found the puke drawer
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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