Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
