let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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