i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
