Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
