I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
