You made me cry and you don't even care
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
