The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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