Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
