I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
