well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
