Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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