worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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