you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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